| Most people would say it’s impossible to love someone
you’ve never met. I don’t agree. I am the living refutation of that claim.
In spite of everything, all the years of emptiness when I didn’t know of
your existence, then those of aching loss when I knew and couldn’t find
you, I never knew anything about you-- except for the most important things
of all.
You are my little sister. Your name is Emily. And I love
you.
Until my encounter with Carolyn and Maggie, the love I
had for My Sister was an idealized conception, born of a lifetime of bizarre
isolation coupled with an all-too-brief stint of relative normalcy. But
after seeing your namesake, after hearing Carolyn speak of you as a loved
friend, I feel that I finally have a chance-- even if it is a little one--
to love, not the idea of having a sister, but the sister I actually have.
Carolyn gave me a precious gift, a little Essence of Emily. Don’t get me
wrong, the things I learned about Mom were wonderful additions to my miser’s
store of memories. But, Emily, I had no memories of you… and now I have.
Not memories of us together, but the next best thing: memories from someone
who loves you too, telling me that, even as I blindly love My Sister, Mom
has taught you to think of us with love. The missing men in your life--
Dad, who you barely remember, and Kyle and me, whom you never knew-- are
given life and love and a part in our lost family through Mom’s stories
and the pictures she hoards in the locked box under her bed.
The heart is a strange pretender. It can take little more
than a hope and a whisper of memory and build a love strong enough to motivate
a lifelong search. Now that I have some concrete facts to go on, I am more
determined than ever to find you.
I will find you someday, Emily. I promise. Somehow we
will escape from the constant need to look over our shoulders for sweeper
teams. We will be together in life as in our dreams; wearied by the journey
but strengthened by each other. Until then, please know that we are longing
for you. Dad misses the little angel who brightened his dark life; I miss
the bratty kid I never got a chance to tease; our new brother misses being
spoiled, being the baby, being made to play tea party with a ragtag bunch
of dolls and teddy bears. We all want to know the tenderhearted woman who
befriended Carolyn Mackenzie, the brilliant mind that faked mediocrity
for 12 years, The radiant beauty that could be my memories of Mom, with
a little of me, she said, around the eyes. We will never stop looking.
I will never end my search.
I love you, Emily.
END (01/01)
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For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her